Robbing the Cradle

Lately I haven't updated this blog with events going on in my life. Quite frankly, my life hasn't been very exciting these past few months. No immediate travel plans, just work and thesis composition consume a majority of my daily life. There is one thing that is somewhat new. I don't know what it is but the past two boys I've been on dates with (note, these are not really "relationships" as we never even progressed to that level) have been younger than me. The first was nineteen going on twenty, but we agreed to stop seeing each other since he had finals to study for and I was quite busy with my work and writing. It was very natural, the way that ended since there was really nothing to end at all.

Then there is Dave... The story of how I ended up on a date with him is a little strange, perhaps. I was invited to a poker night this past Saturday, which I decided to attend despite my absolute incompetence at card games. Not surprisingly, I lost rather quickly and headed off to another group of people playing board games. Board games, especially puzzles, I’m much better at, and this German block game was something I could deal much better with than poker, which is all about lying, reading people, and chance… things with which I lack expertise. In the end, I was able to face off with one other person, the boy named Dave. He then suggested that we play for something, since, after all, this is the “final” game. I personally couldn’t think of anything to play for except perhaps a few pounds, but then he said, “If I win this game, we have to watch a movie together.” I’m pretty dense, but perhaps not that dense since I kind of took understood it as his way of asking me on a date. Rather bold, I thought but I couldn’t think of anything to ask in return should I win. In the end, my conditions were that we don’t watch a movie together should I win since I knew he was the younger brother of a friend.

Whether unfortunately or fortunately, I lost… by one point, which meant I had to watch a movie with him. Turns out, he’s not so incredibly immature for his age and he picked a really interesting documentary series by BBC titled “Planet Earth” and we watched a couple episodes of “Life” together (Hunter and Hunted and Fish). I really enjoyed the movies and surprisingly, his company since he is probably the funniest boy with whom I’ve ever been on a date. Then comes the catch, he’s eighteen and he’s in the American equivalent of high school! I definitely feel a little awkward knowing that and he knows that I’m twenty-three and that I’m a graduate student in hopes of obtaining a PhD. He will turn nineteen this year, but nine days AFTER my little sister… which makes him younger than my little sister! I really don’t know how to feel about this. How would I feel if my sister told me that she is dating someone older than me? I doubt that I would be OK with it. His older brother is OK with this though, which makes the situation even more awkward for me. In any case, we have another date this weekend, so I suppose I’ll figure out where this is going after date two. Honest opinions, am I robbing the cradle? 

Today's Random Picture: 

Distorted Thinking

Sometimes, when you've been thinking too much, your brain just refuses to think properly... which reminds me of something my sister sent me recently (she is really interested in psychology): 

15 Styles of Distorted Thinking

1. Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them, while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. A single detail may be picked out, and the whole event becomes colored by this detail. When you pull negative things out of context, isolated from all the good experiences around you, you make them larger and more awful than they really are. 2. Polarized Thinking: The hallmark of this distortion is an insistence on dichotomous choices. Things are black or white, good or bad. You tend to perceive everything at the extremes, with very little room for a middle ground. The greatest danger in polarized thinking is its impact on how you judge yourself. For example-You have to be perfect or you're a failure.
3. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. 'Always' and 'never' are cues that this style of thinking is being utilized. This distortion can lead to a restricted life, as you avoid future failures based on the single incident or event.
4. Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you. Mind reading depends on a process called projection. You imagine that people feel the same way you do and react to things the same way you do. Therefore, you don't watch or listen carefully enough to notice that they are actually different. Mind readers jump to conclusions that are true for them, without checking whether they are true for the other person.
5. Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start "what if's." What if that happens to me? What if tragedy strikes? There are no limits to a really fertile catastrophic imagination. An underlying catalyst for this style of thinking is that you do not trust in yourself and your capacity to adapt to change.
6. Personalization: This is the tendency to relate everything around you to yourself. For example, thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc. The underlying assumption is that your worth is in question. You are therefore continually forced to test your value as a person by measuring yourself against others. If you come out better, you get a moment's relief. If you come up short, you feel diminished. The basic thinking error is that you interpret each experience, each conversation, each look as a clue to your worth and value.
7. Control Fallacies: There are two ways you can distort your sense of power and control. If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you. Feeling externally controlled keeps you stuck. You don't believe you can really affect the basic shape of your life, let alone make any difference in the world. The truth of the matter is that we are constantly making decisions, and that every decision affects our lives. On the other hand, the fallacy of internal control leaves you exhausted as you attempt to fill the needs of everyone around you, and feel responsible in doing so (and guilty when you cannot).
8. Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair, but other people won't agree with you. Fairness is so conveniently defined, so temptingly self-serving, that each person gets locked into his or her own point of view. It is tempting to make assumptions about how things would change if people were only fair or really valued you. But the other person hardly ever sees it that way, and you end up causing yourself a lot of pain and an ever-growing resentment.
9. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every problem. Blaming often involves making someone else responsible for choices and decisions that are actually our own responsibility. In blame systems, you deny your right (and responsibility) to assert your needs, say no, or go elsewhere for what you want.
10. Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you, and you feel guilty if you violate the rules. The rules are right and indisputable and, as a result, you are often in the position of judging and finding fault (in yourself and in others). Cue words indicating the presence of this distortion are should, ought, and must.
11. Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true-automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid and boring. If you feel guilty, then you must have done something wrong. The problem with emotional reasoning is that our emotions interact and correlate with our thinking process. Therefore, if you have distorted thoughts and beliefs, your emotions will reflect these distortions.
12. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them. The truth is the only person you can really control or have much hope of changing is yourself. The underlying assumption of this thinking style is that your happiness depends on the actions of others. Your happiness actually depends on the thousands of large and small choices you make in your life.
13. Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities (in yourself or others) into a negative global judgment. Global labeling ignores all contrary evidence, creating a view of the world that can be stereotyped and one-dimensional. Labeling yourself can have a negative and insidious impact upon your self-esteem; while labeling others can lead to snap-judgments, relationship problems, and prejudice.
14. Being Right: You feel continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. Having to be 'right' often makes you hard of hearing. You aren't interested in the possible veracity of a differing opinion, only in defending your own. Being right becomes more important than an honest and caring relationship.
15. Heaven's Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score. You fell bitter when the reward doesn't come as expected. The problem is that while you are always doing the 'right thing,' if your heart really isn't in it, you are physically and emotionally depleting yourself. 


*FromThoughts & Feelingsby McKay, Davis, & Fanning. New Harbinger, 1981. These styles of thinking (or cognitive distortions) were gleaned from the work of several authors, including Albert Ellis, Aaron Beck, and David Burns, among others.


Today's Random Picture: 

A lock that will prevent you from leaving your place while drunk!

Meaning of Life?

A lot of people profoundly ruminate over what the meaning of life is. I personally think that people just tend to overthink things when in actuality, things are quite simple. Make the best with what you have since, after all, in this universe of many galaxies, we are all pretty insignificant "intelligent" beings trying to make a small difference. Sorry if this seems overly philosophical, but I tend to get eerily philosophical around this time of day...

Today's Random "Picture':